Terrible Loss

There is a family that lives two streets over that we have become friendly with since moving here. They have three children, Sophie (6) in Chloe's class at school, Hannah (3.5) who in Mia's school, but different class and little Charlie who will be ONE next week. When we moved here, their mother Katie (just 40) had just finished her chemo and then got the all-clear from the breast cancer they had found (first mistaken for mastitis) and was going ahead with her mastectomy to be sure it wouldn't show again. She wore a scarf on her head and had a grace about her that made me notice her even before I knew who she was and that our daughters would become friends. She made a big effort to welcome me and invited us over for tea (kids' dinner) in the window of time between recovering from chemo and before her surgery (thankfully we were able to reciprocate). During her recovery from surgery, I was able to have her girls a few times and witnessed the strength of a mother who was obviously still in terrible pain but had her precious little ones to care for. Well, her recovery had many bumps and it turned out they found more cancer in her back so she went for more radiation and then as of last Tuesday, they found out it went to her liver. She died on Sunday (five days later)- she had the hospital call her husband Simon in the middle of the night and she died in his arms. And this, her husband told me after we dropped off the little girls coming home from nursery Monday morning. He is trying to keep the routine for them and it seems to be good for the girls.


Monday was horrible. This whole week has been horrible. It is a horrible thing to have to explain to your children that their friend's mommy has died. And their questions and comments were remarkable. I told Mia first because Chloe was still at school and she saw me crying. I had planned on waiting to talk about it with both at the same time, but one at a time was much better so I could help one at a time.

Mia's first question was "where did she go" and then talked about fairies needing to be around bc they can help and how we need a magic wand. And then asked if she died straight away or was she able to see her children. Then she just wanted to know whether Hannah misses her mommy and who is going to sleep with her.


Chloe found out at school from Sophie herself and when I picked her up she announced "Sophie's mom died" and then in the next breath "what's for dinner." I was shocked but found that all the children were acting similarly. Later that evening, however, when Chloe saw tears in my eyes, it set her off and she just sobbed and sobbed. I tried to get her to talk about what she was feeling and she said,

"I just imagine what it would be like for that to happen to me.
I think it's much better to die as a grandma because then you've had your life and your kids are big.
Her mommy will never know whether Hannah is good at maths.
Her mommy will never know what Sophie looks like as a mommy or see her children.
Who will wipe Hannah and change Charlie boy's diapers?"

After she had calmed down and we were getting ready for bed, she came into my room and said, "I know Mommy, maybe Katie is just in a deep deep sleep and not really dead. She will wake up that way." And I said, yes, that would be nice if that were it. But then her mind kept working and she said, "but oh no, then she'll be buried even though she's not dead." So then of course I went over how they check your heart and your breathing and without those, you can't ever be alive.

Then, as I tucked them in bed, Chloe came up with another idea. "I know, Simon needs to find a new mommy for them, or maybe just a nanny. That way they'll be happy."

And it just goes on and on. I'm glad it's Friday and the week is over. We had a coffee this morning for the class and Granny Jane, her wonderful mother in law was there too. I'm just so numb from it all. Her funeral will be on Tuesday.